Tired of Dancin'

I am tired of this 2 steps forward, 3 steps back business of my life. I am ready to start living my life without thinking about anyone else...the way the people in my life live. I have been sad all weekend. I don't even know why. I know he isn't mine. I know I need to move on because he has. I know this in my head but my heart still yearns for him. I still think he is going to change his mind. I know that I don't want to be married to THAT man. I want to be married to the man that loves me for all my faults and never held them against me. I want to be married to the man that knew I need to be held and loved BECAUSE of all of my faults. I know I have baggage and I hold grudges. I do it to protect myself. I am tired of being hurt and used.

I am tired of hurting. I want to move on. I want to leave my hurt with God but I can't for some reason. I want to be held in love again someday. Is that in my future?

Life makes sense today. I am trying to take care of me, even if that means I have to do it by myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that YOUR tragedy is NOT my emergency anymore. That is all.

Ok, I know that I am on a journey. I am not alone on this journey. I have LOTS of friends who are like family, family, and, of course, my son. I know very little else. I am tired of learning more and more everyday. I am tired of counting for so little with people that I know don't matter but that is my one of my many issues. I see my worth in the opinion of others. Why do I do that? I am worthy. I am capable. I am a good mom and doing the best that I can in the other areas of my life.

Yes, I cry at the drop of a hat. Yes, I am hurt easily by the words of others. Yes, I will fight back with words but only when the people who hurt me can't hear. I don't stick up for myself. I don't fight back when I need to. I guess that is why I go to counseling BUT I am not getting any better at fighting for myself.

Do I let people treat me poorly because I don't think I deserve any better? And if this is true, why do I think I am worth so little?

Ok, that is all for now.

Damn!!

So Jacob spent the afternoon with his father today. I didn't think that I would be blindsided on such a normal day. I pick Jacob up and so I have to go to Aaron's apartment. When I get there, my precious baby breaks my heart. I come in and Jacob looks at me and says, "I thought you were _________(Aaron's girlfriend, I refuse to say her name!)" I cried all the way home. Jacob heard me and asked what was wrong. I have tried really hard to keep him from seeing me cry. I knew he was probably gonna hear but it KILLS me that Aaron has moved on so completely with someone new, someone that he has known since this summer! He is so far gone that MY son knows this woman and is accustomed to her being at Aaron's apartment just KILLS me! I know I will have to get over it but it is so hard. I don't want to share my son. Isn't it enough that I have lost my husband? Do I have to lose my son too? What if he likes her more than me? What if, what if, what if!! I know that I wil drive myself crazy with the what ifs but that is going to do me in.

I know that I can NOT handle knowing that THAT person is around my son. I can't!

My Scary News...well maybe

Well, I have told the people I see everyday and my family. I know there is one person that knows about this blog and maybe one more.

At my recent well woman exam, my doc found a lump. I have had a sonogram of it. The radiologist thinks it is a cyst. I haven't heard from my doc so I don't know what we are doing about the lump.

I had some serious moments of doubt. I know I have a lot of people who love me and care for me but I felt so alone. I have had 2 lumps removed from my breasts (yes, they were nothing but I have an aunt that had breast cancer) but this time is so different. I am alone. I don't mean I don't have a great circle of people but I am alone. I have a son which totally freaked me out when they found the lump. The last 2 were found when I had someone that said they loved me and would be there for me BUT I didn't have the responsibility of being someone's mom and possibly leaving them alone in the world without me. I KNOW that is what threw me into my tailspin more than the divorce. I also think it took me a while to tell friends because I no longer have all of the same people in my life that I had the last time I had a lump removed.

I have found out so much in the last year or so. I have been blessed with so many people. I know that if something was found, I would have people to lean on. I will survive, I know I will.

ARGH!

Why is it that I think I am getting along nicely and then BAM! life comes in and runs over me like a Mac truck. I made it to church today and heard a really good message. I love that I have found a place that guides me to be a better me.

I call to check on my son, who is with his grandmother, and get blindsided! All I want is to get Jacob and finish my work. I have 2 papers due on Tuesday and a final. An hour later, I am in tears for the umpteenth million time.

I will say again. I didn't ask for this life. I wasn't the one that needed out of my marriage. I wasn't the one that messed up the dynamics of my family. I am tired of feeling like I have to make everyone happy when no one cares if I am happy. I am tired of being unhappy. I am tired of this crappy life I am living. I am tired feeling like I don't matter. I want so many things out of life right now.

Summer '09

Well, first I need to see if this blog will transport itself over to my Facebook account. I wonder how I will know if that happens.