New Year, New Love, New Life, New Goals

With the new year approaching, I am feeling really very blessed these days. I have had so many good things happen in the last few days. The biggest and best blessing of this past year met my parents on Sunday. It went very well. They like him and he likes them. I couldn't ask for much more than that. Now the real test will be having Jacob meet him. He is encouraging me to run in the Amarillo Half Marathon in May. I started the day with a wog of 2.25 miles today. It felt very good to do it too. I even got the treadmill up to a 5.0 for a couple of minutes.

I know that no one reads my blog and as far as I know it is locked from random people seeing it but it feels good to write this today.

I look forward to 2011...May it be blessed with more good days, good times, and good people.

Stupidhead

I know that some day I will learn that I canNOT take everything he says to heart. I know this in my head, I do really. I just don't understand how it is possible for someone to be such a stupidhead! STUPIDHEAD, STUPIDHEAD, STUPIDHEAD, STUPIDHEAD!!!!!

Really?!?!?!

OK, so something has been bugging me for a couple of days. I am starting to wonder if I am overbearing. Do I send too many messages? Do I expect too much? Was I too accommodating? Did I accept too many apologies? Do I ask too many questions (ok, that was just because of all of my questions.)?

Tired of Dancin'

I am tired of this 2 steps forward, 3 steps back business of my life. I am ready to start living my life without thinking about anyone else...the way the people in my life live. I have been sad all weekend. I don't even know why. I know he isn't mine. I know I need to move on because he has. I know this in my head but my heart still yearns for him. I still think he is going to change his mind. I know that I don't want to be married to THAT man. I want to be married to the man that loves me for all my faults and never held them against me. I want to be married to the man that knew I need to be held and loved BECAUSE of all of my faults. I know I have baggage and I hold grudges. I do it to protect myself. I am tired of being hurt and used.

I am tired of hurting. I want to move on. I want to leave my hurt with God but I can't for some reason. I want to be held in love again someday. Is that in my future?

Life makes sense today. I am trying to take care of me, even if that means I have to do it by myself. I just have to keep reminding myself that YOUR tragedy is NOT my emergency anymore. That is all.

Ok, I know that I am on a journey. I am not alone on this journey. I have LOTS of friends who are like family, family, and, of course, my son. I know very little else. I am tired of learning more and more everyday. I am tired of counting for so little with people that I know don't matter but that is my one of my many issues. I see my worth in the opinion of others. Why do I do that? I am worthy. I am capable. I am a good mom and doing the best that I can in the other areas of my life.

Yes, I cry at the drop of a hat. Yes, I am hurt easily by the words of others. Yes, I will fight back with words but only when the people who hurt me can't hear. I don't stick up for myself. I don't fight back when I need to. I guess that is why I go to counseling BUT I am not getting any better at fighting for myself.

Do I let people treat me poorly because I don't think I deserve any better? And if this is true, why do I think I am worth so little?

Ok, that is all for now.

Damn!!

So Jacob spent the afternoon with his father today. I didn't think that I would be blindsided on such a normal day. I pick Jacob up and so I have to go to Aaron's apartment. When I get there, my precious baby breaks my heart. I come in and Jacob looks at me and says, "I thought you were _________(Aaron's girlfriend, I refuse to say her name!)" I cried all the way home. Jacob heard me and asked what was wrong. I have tried really hard to keep him from seeing me cry. I knew he was probably gonna hear but it KILLS me that Aaron has moved on so completely with someone new, someone that he has known since this summer! He is so far gone that MY son knows this woman and is accustomed to her being at Aaron's apartment just KILLS me! I know I will have to get over it but it is so hard. I don't want to share my son. Isn't it enough that I have lost my husband? Do I have to lose my son too? What if he likes her more than me? What if, what if, what if!! I know that I wil drive myself crazy with the what ifs but that is going to do me in.

I know that I can NOT handle knowing that THAT person is around my son. I can't!

My Scary News...well maybe

Well, I have told the people I see everyday and my family. I know there is one person that knows about this blog and maybe one more.

At my recent well woman exam, my doc found a lump. I have had a sonogram of it. The radiologist thinks it is a cyst. I haven't heard from my doc so I don't know what we are doing about the lump.

I had some serious moments of doubt. I know I have a lot of people who love me and care for me but I felt so alone. I have had 2 lumps removed from my breasts (yes, they were nothing but I have an aunt that had breast cancer) but this time is so different. I am alone. I don't mean I don't have a great circle of people but I am alone. I have a son which totally freaked me out when they found the lump. The last 2 were found when I had someone that said they loved me and would be there for me BUT I didn't have the responsibility of being someone's mom and possibly leaving them alone in the world without me. I KNOW that is what threw me into my tailspin more than the divorce. I also think it took me a while to tell friends because I no longer have all of the same people in my life that I had the last time I had a lump removed.

I have found out so much in the last year or so. I have been blessed with so many people. I know that if something was found, I would have people to lean on. I will survive, I know I will.

ARGH!

Why is it that I think I am getting along nicely and then BAM! life comes in and runs over me like a Mac truck. I made it to church today and heard a really good message. I love that I have found a place that guides me to be a better me.

I call to check on my son, who is with his grandmother, and get blindsided! All I want is to get Jacob and finish my work. I have 2 papers due on Tuesday and a final. An hour later, I am in tears for the umpteenth million time.

I will say again. I didn't ask for this life. I wasn't the one that needed out of my marriage. I wasn't the one that messed up the dynamics of my family. I am tired of feeling like I have to make everyone happy when no one cares if I am happy. I am tired of being unhappy. I am tired of this crappy life I am living. I am tired feeling like I don't matter. I want so many things out of life right now.

Summer '09

Well, first I need to see if this blog will transport itself over to my Facebook account. I wonder how I will know if that happens.

Spring Break...FINALLY!!!

So today is the first day of Spring Break. I am so TIRED! I woke up crazy early and couldn't go back to sleep. I am so excited about going to see Keith Urban in Houston that I can't even start packing.

I will be going to court in a month for my divorce. Our house has a contract on it. My life is moving on.

I am okay with most of the changes on most days.

New Year, New Life

Well, I know that it is half way through January but I never said this blog thing was gonna work.

I read my 3 previous posts and they sound like the words of an insane person. I am happily married when I start, then a month later I am still married but afraid to sleep alone at night, then I am in a crumbling marriage that is ending.

Well, I am still in a crumbling marriage that is ending. My soon to be ex-husband has moved on in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I will be filing for divorce in 2 days. My son isn't home right now because he is with his grandmother. I want so many things and I don't even know where to start. My first goal is to get through the divorce and be ok on the other side. My next goal will be to finish graduate school so that I can become a school counselor.

I have started to do more things for myself. I have tried to workout more. I have signed up for my 4th 5K, the first of this year, on Valentine's day. I figure it is gonna be a pretty sucky day so I may as well do something good for myself.

I have so many crappy things going on right now. I have to work at finding the good in life. I have many friends who remind me but it is still hard.

Enough for now.

Where do I go from here?

I never thought I would be one to have her marriage end but here I am. My husband of 7 and a half years is on his way out the door. He says he has told me for years that we are not working and that I didn't listen. The worst part is that I can't tell anyone in my family about the real reason that we are splitting up. My life is pretty much over. I don't know what my future holds. I am terrified of where my life is leading me. This split has been coming for a while. I know I am not ready to be alone. I don't know how to be alone. I am terrified! I have known my husband for 18 years. He is the only man I have ever been with. He is the father of my child. He is the love of my life and I am afraid that I hate him more than I am capable of comprehending. I have so many decisions to make and I don't know that I can make them. I don't want him to go but he has to. I don't want to divorce him but I have to. He isn't happy. He hasn't been happy for a long time. To be truthful to myself, I know that we haven't been happy but we have been tolerant of each other. I hate that my marriage is over. I hate that I am going to be on my own, for the most part, when it comes to raising my son. It is so hard to know that I have spen more than half my life with the one person that I don't think I will ever be able to look at him the same way. He isn't the same person I fell in love with, married, and had a child with. He is this altogether different person that I don't recognize or like very much. He has all these messed up ideas about how life after the divorce will be. He really does want his cake and eat it too. I know that is an insane analogy because who wouldn't want to have the cake but eat it too.

I know I will have to find a way to survive. That is all I think I will be capable of for a long time. I have a lot of friends who have offered their help and their shoulder and I don't think I will ever be able to thank them. I probably won't take them up on their offers of help but it is nice to know they are there.

First Night Alone

So Aaron went to a conference for 4 days. His mom came to help with Jacob because my graduate class started this week and I don't get out of class until 5pm and Jacob has to be picked up by 5pm. She came in on Tuesday. She stayed all day Wednesday and today with Jacob. He LOVES spending time with his grandma. BUT she left this evening. I am all alone for the first time with Jacob. I put him to sleep tonight in his own bed even though he was begging to sleep with me because of the "monsters" that have recently taken up residence in his room. Even though I want him in bed with me because I don't want to be in bed alone, I know that he has to sleep in his own bed by himself just like I do. Aaron will be home on Saturday. I don't know if I will be able to make it. I am terrified that I will lose it with Jacob and there will be no one to take him for a second so I can calm down. I am sure it won't happen. I know that I am only one here so I have to keep it together. I thought I would be okay but now I know that I need to have my husband here.

I am going to try to do some work for my online class. I need to get some sleep tonight too.

First One

Who knows how often I will do this. I am not one to write in a journal or a diary. I probably need to write things more often just so that I don't go crazy with all the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis.

To start, I am almost 32 years old and I am okay with that on most days. I have been married to my junior high school sweetheart for almost 7 years (at the end of the month). We had a little one 3 years ago. He is the most amazing thing I have ever created! I love him so much. I have to admit that sometimes he wears me out (hence the title!) I am a teacher who is going to graduate school at night and online to be a school counselor and probably an LPC.

Okay, I can't think of anything else right now.