Damn!!

So Jacob spent the afternoon with his father today. I didn't think that I would be blindsided on such a normal day. I pick Jacob up and so I have to go to Aaron's apartment. When I get there, my precious baby breaks my heart. I come in and Jacob looks at me and says, "I thought you were _________(Aaron's girlfriend, I refuse to say her name!)" I cried all the way home. Jacob heard me and asked what was wrong. I have tried really hard to keep him from seeing me cry. I knew he was probably gonna hear but it KILLS me that Aaron has moved on so completely with someone new, someone that he has known since this summer! He is so far gone that MY son knows this woman and is accustomed to her being at Aaron's apartment just KILLS me! I know I will have to get over it but it is so hard. I don't want to share my son. Isn't it enough that I have lost my husband? Do I have to lose my son too? What if he likes her more than me? What if, what if, what if!! I know that I wil drive myself crazy with the what ifs but that is going to do me in.

I know that I can NOT handle knowing that THAT person is around my son. I can't!

My Scary News...well maybe

Well, I have told the people I see everyday and my family. I know there is one person that knows about this blog and maybe one more.

At my recent well woman exam, my doc found a lump. I have had a sonogram of it. The radiologist thinks it is a cyst. I haven't heard from my doc so I don't know what we are doing about the lump.

I had some serious moments of doubt. I know I have a lot of people who love me and care for me but I felt so alone. I have had 2 lumps removed from my breasts (yes, they were nothing but I have an aunt that had breast cancer) but this time is so different. I am alone. I don't mean I don't have a great circle of people but I am alone. I have a son which totally freaked me out when they found the lump. The last 2 were found when I had someone that said they loved me and would be there for me BUT I didn't have the responsibility of being someone's mom and possibly leaving them alone in the world without me. I KNOW that is what threw me into my tailspin more than the divorce. I also think it took me a while to tell friends because I no longer have all of the same people in my life that I had the last time I had a lump removed.

I have found out so much in the last year or so. I have been blessed with so many people. I know that if something was found, I would have people to lean on. I will survive, I know I will.

ARGH!

Why is it that I think I am getting along nicely and then BAM! life comes in and runs over me like a Mac truck. I made it to church today and heard a really good message. I love that I have found a place that guides me to be a better me.

I call to check on my son, who is with his grandmother, and get blindsided! All I want is to get Jacob and finish my work. I have 2 papers due on Tuesday and a final. An hour later, I am in tears for the umpteenth million time.

I will say again. I didn't ask for this life. I wasn't the one that needed out of my marriage. I wasn't the one that messed up the dynamics of my family. I am tired of feeling like I have to make everyone happy when no one cares if I am happy. I am tired of being unhappy. I am tired of this crappy life I am living. I am tired feeling like I don't matter. I want so many things out of life right now.

Summer '09

Well, first I need to see if this blog will transport itself over to my Facebook account. I wonder how I will know if that happens.

Spring Break...FINALLY!!!

So today is the first day of Spring Break. I am so TIRED! I woke up crazy early and couldn't go back to sleep. I am so excited about going to see Keith Urban in Houston that I can't even start packing.

I will be going to court in a month for my divorce. Our house has a contract on it. My life is moving on.

I am okay with most of the changes on most days.

New Year, New Life

Well, I know that it is half way through January but I never said this blog thing was gonna work.

I read my 3 previous posts and they sound like the words of an insane person. I am happily married when I start, then a month later I am still married but afraid to sleep alone at night, then I am in a crumbling marriage that is ending.

Well, I am still in a crumbling marriage that is ending. My soon to be ex-husband has moved on in more ways than I could have ever imagined. I will be filing for divorce in 2 days. My son isn't home right now because he is with his grandmother. I want so many things and I don't even know where to start. My first goal is to get through the divorce and be ok on the other side. My next goal will be to finish graduate school so that I can become a school counselor.

I have started to do more things for myself. I have tried to workout more. I have signed up for my 4th 5K, the first of this year, on Valentine's day. I figure it is gonna be a pretty sucky day so I may as well do something good for myself.

I have so many crappy things going on right now. I have to work at finding the good in life. I have many friends who remind me but it is still hard.

Enough for now.

Where do I go from here?

I never thought I would be one to have her marriage end but here I am. My husband of 7 and a half years is on his way out the door. He says he has told me for years that we are not working and that I didn't listen. The worst part is that I can't tell anyone in my family about the real reason that we are splitting up. My life is pretty much over. I don't know what my future holds. I am terrified of where my life is leading me. This split has been coming for a while. I know I am not ready to be alone. I don't know how to be alone. I am terrified! I have known my husband for 18 years. He is the only man I have ever been with. He is the father of my child. He is the love of my life and I am afraid that I hate him more than I am capable of comprehending. I have so many decisions to make and I don't know that I can make them. I don't want him to go but he has to. I don't want to divorce him but I have to. He isn't happy. He hasn't been happy for a long time. To be truthful to myself, I know that we haven't been happy but we have been tolerant of each other. I hate that my marriage is over. I hate that I am going to be on my own, for the most part, when it comes to raising my son. It is so hard to know that I have spen more than half my life with the one person that I don't think I will ever be able to look at him the same way. He isn't the same person I fell in love with, married, and had a child with. He is this altogether different person that I don't recognize or like very much. He has all these messed up ideas about how life after the divorce will be. He really does want his cake and eat it too. I know that is an insane analogy because who wouldn't want to have the cake but eat it too.

I know I will have to find a way to survive. That is all I think I will be capable of for a long time. I have a lot of friends who have offered their help and their shoulder and I don't think I will ever be able to thank them. I probably won't take them up on their offers of help but it is nice to know they are there.